Tangerine

I’m sorry that I can never be

Your tangerine daydream

Bright, sunny, beautiful souled

Your tangerine and gold

Sparkling shiny and new

Sorry I’m not for you

I can never be alright

Shaking from tears in the night

Knowing that I’ll never be

Your sweet tangerine

Choice

I wait for your answer

I wait and wait…and nothing

Just as every time in the past

I slowly loose hope

That you’d ever be decent enough

To not leave me like this

Hanging onto the time

Grasping at air

It’s there but it’s not

Just like you

“I’m fine being alone”

But being alone

Choosing to be alone

Means you abandon those

Who just wanted to love you

And so I make this choice

As I lay in bed crying

Paralyzed by the knowledge

That I am also alone

Despite reaching out

My biggest fears confirmed

My paranoia and anxiety

Have even more reasons to keep doubting

To put this memory on my list

Of why I will always be alone

In my pain and sorrow

I had a feeling

We stopped talking

Yet again

I had a feeling

That this would happen again 

I didn’t expect things to change

We stay the same

The days pass us by

And we waste

Both of our time

I had a feeling

You don’t actually value me

As a person

An individual

With my own thoughts, feelings

I had a feeling

I’d be left in the cold

So when I felt the ice

Under my feet

I held my breath

And waited

For it to crack

I had a feeling

You’d be gone again

And very soon

It’s hard

To know that feeling was right

Letting go

You call it living in the past

When I bring up the things

That concern me

You call you bringing up things

The truth and what should be taken

As complete truth

Not to be ignored

But in turn

You ignore me, my feelings, my reality

Because the truth is

You never valued me as a person

You never sat there and actually listened

You never held space

Especially in the way

You want me to hold space for you

To listen to you

To be a safe space

When you don’t and won’t provide the same

Self soothing can only go so far

Telling myself to hold back

To make YOU comfortable

I sit here uncomfortable and unhappy

I sink down and think

I’m not worth the time

I’m not worth the effort

And I die on the inside

A little more each day

As I await you to say I’m worthy

Enough to listen to

Worthy enough to value as a whole person

My inner child feels the invisibility

Of my childhood

Creeping up in the relationship

And she retreats and she thinks

“This is the way it is always gonna be”

I will always be invisible to you

I will never be valued by you

I will always remain

An afterthought of your past desires

Those three little words

You say I’m difficult

I’m hard to love and be with

That I’m corrupt and psychotic

An emotional terrorist

Out to make you and your life

So utterly miserable

But all I ever wanted to hear

Were those three little words

When I opened up and let you in

To my private world

And tried being vulnerable

Tried to let you be there

Tried to help you understand

Where I am coming from

Try and be more self aware

So I can tell you exactly

Which scars cause which fears

I just wanted to hear those

Three little words

The words that will never brush your lips

The compassion you lack

I don’t and didn’t expect you t

To completely understand me

But all I wanted was to hear

Those three little words

I see you

We are not the same

You tell me I’m too much

Too in your face

Much too clingy

That you need and value your independence

And I understand

That need for solo ventures

To be alone with your mind

Into a project

To throw yourself into work

Or pleasure

But honey, we are not the same

While I enjoy the same

I also enjoy closeness

I want to feel loved

To give someone the same

But what I enjoy even more

Is complete and utter solitude

To have nobody

To know nobody is there in the end

To know I only have me and me alone

I am happy to be alone

While you sink down below

And wallow about the lack of love

The lack of acceptance

The lack of intimacy

I rise above and I cherish

The fact that I will die

Just as I came into the world

Alone. Alone is my home

I do not fear it, I embrace it.

Oh honey. We are not the same.

I’m not the one who will ever say

I miss you as you do to me

Saying you miss my punk ass

I don’t miss anything or anyone

We really are not the same

In sickness and in health

You treat me the same way

So cold

Indifferent and distant

Like I dont and never will matter

My fears brushed to the side

As I cry alone

With my worries and I fall asleep

Vindictive and cruel

“What the fuck do you need?”

I have everything I need

To know

How you’d treat me

Both in sickness and in health

The truth

You ask for truths

You ask me so many questions

Some questions I have no answers for

Some are just difficult to put into words

Right in the moment

But I know if I can’t put words

Together right away

You’ll think anything I say is a lie

So I stay silent

And you think I’m hiding something

While also lying to you

Because I know I can never please you

You ask why I don’t just open up

Tell you everything you want to know

Honestly

I don’t want to open up

Yet again

To someone who doesn’t look at me

To someone who doesn’t touch me

To someone who doesn’t hear me

The way I know I deserve.

To open up and let you in

And open myself to pain and rejection

That I know will come

Because I see the way you look at me

The way your eyes aren’t totally there

In those very few moments

We are together.

To open up knowing you’re not fully invested

Would be a mistake on my part.

Being hurt and let down yet again

Would be my own fault

For trusting you

And being left out in the cold

Yet again.

That is the truth.

How can you tell?

How can you tell

That I am real and true

That I love absolutely everything

And the whole possibility of you?

You feel it in my touch

You feel it in my kiss

See it deep in my eyes

The way I look at you

And these words

That I wrote.

But how can I tell

That you are real and true

And that you value me as a whole

Complete person and the possibilities?

I can’t.

You leave me cold and distant

As if I’m a piece of gum

On the bottom of your collectors sneaker

My words and world completely

And utterly dismissed.

Yes you kiss, you touch, I see you.

I watch you and I know something

That I’m replaceable

How can you tell?

Because I picked up

And left you behind

To find the sunny skies

And to be my own prize

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