Grasping at straws
The kind that turtles choke on
As i clumsily open the wrapper
And give your __________
Dad
Grandpa
Mom
Grandma
Brother
Sister
Aunt
Uncle
Cousin
Their last sip of water
It cuts me
As they slip away
And I think of how people
will save the turtles with metal straws
But won’t save their family
By wearing a mask
And I keep grasping for straws
Monsters can be
Large and intimidating
They can be small and poisonous
Monsters can be
Hairy things, scary things, any things
They can be your
Worst nightmare
Or you can befriend them
Monsters can be
The person you turn into
Because you feel like
Without that special some one
You’ll be unable to survive
So you go out and do crazy shit
And beg for something
You shouldn’t have to beg for
And be someone
You never wanted to be
You look at yourself
Yet you don’t recognize your own face
And you know deep down
This is all ridiculous
Would they do anything crazy for you?
No.
You’re their ride or die
You are only an option to them
You’d hate to see them degraded
Yet when you degrade yourself
They think it’s amusing
And that is the difference
I was a monster, I am the monster
I embrace my monster
And release you into the wild
To be free
Control freak
You call me things
I already identify with
I know who I am
Yet you seem to think I need
A light shining directly on me
Like a spotlight
During an interrogation
When you should shine that spotlight
Directly back on you
When things don’t go your way
What do you do honey?
Turning to addictions
That help numb your pains
That help keep sorrows at bay
That help you not actually feel and deal
With what you have to
The matters at hand.
Sleeping, food, drugs, space.
I don’t deny my vices
I don’t deny I have a problem
But the problem is you do
Deny your problems
You deny your vices
And shine the light brightest
On everyone but yourself
Oh honey
You think this blog
Is a way for me to gain
Exposure and notoriety
For monetary gain
But oh my love
Look at my stats
And see it’s just you
Looking at me
Reading the words
That finally come to me
In my hours of grief and despair
As I cry and tears come
So fast down my face and chin
As I try and process
The world inside my head
Oh my dear
This is my diary
This is me screaming
But with less force
These are the silent whispers
I wish I could tell you
When we lay so close
But I fear not ruin the very few
Happy and free moments I have with you
Because time and life is too precious
Time with you was so precious
Was
Was
Was
So precious
I’ll get used to those words one day
But for now
I sit here
And I cry
And I laugh
At your ridiculous accusations
And feel more alone than I did
Before you entered my life again
Dark room we meet in secret
Or not so secret
Because your mom knows and hates me
You make pretty promises
I know you can’t keep
Deep inside I’m screaming
To just run, escape while you can
Before you get hurt
But I ignore those warnings
I want to believe you
I want to love you and be loved by you
But you cannot nourish my soul
The way it yearns to be nourished
I tell you painful truths
That nobody knows
And you react
In a cold way, the way I knew you would
But hoped you wouldn’t
I told myself
“He said he would be more tender with me”
Abuse that you don’t believe
Needing your proof, saying things don’t add up
And I die inside
Because this response
The only reason I’ve held out
Was this exact response.
That I wouldn’t be believed
And ignored
And then you wonder why
I won’t tell anyone about it
Not even my family
Because nobody is going to believe me
You proved me right
So I sit in fear and silence
And wrap myself back up
In numbness, in ice
And I retreat back
“Am I too sensitive?”
I think to myself the words
That cut me deeper and deeper each time
They come from your mouth so easy
You call these words
Stating the truth
But just because something is true
Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt
That it is not supposed to hurt
You don’t have to say what is true
I live with it everyday
Living with the trauma it brings
Just because I don’t want to hear it out loud
Doesn’t mean I want to live a lie
Just because it hurts
Doesn’t mean you’re revealing anything to me
Hearing the truth out loud
Brings the pain to the forefront
And comes into hyper focus
Tears I suppress
Because if I cry over this
I’m bound to break down
Slowly but surely deteriorated
Ground down to the nub
Because you wanted to smother my face
In the ground
To see the truth
The truth that I already know is there
It’s a beautiful day
I stare out my window
And I think about you
And how I spent most of my life
Thinking of you
It’s a beautiful day
Sometimes I think
That I think too much
About you
A hopeful future that won’t come to pass
It’s a beautiful day
Oh why did I have to ruin this beautiful day?
To think of such things
That won’t matter
Because I know you don’t think of me
The way I think about you
I go outside and lay in the grass
On such a beautiful day
What if me being too much was a defense?
What if “too much” was a mask?
What if too much was a coverup for the fear that being myself wasn’t going to be enough?
Coming back into my life
One last time
You messaged me
Not the other way around
You told me to trust you
Blindly trust
Blindly put faith
Blindly love
Yet gave me no reasons
To fulfill these requests
To fulfill your requirements.
Told me to gain you as a person
To gain your respect
That I had to blindly give it to you
Or I was broken.
But you came to me.
I never reached out to you.
You were the one
Who needed the burden of proof.
Yet kept telling me
That you didn’t know what you wanted
What you were looking for.
That you wanted to build as friends
Yet I was supposed to blindly trust
That I wouldn’t get hurt
That you would never hurt me
Even though you hurt me many times before.
I never had to give you anything.
Yet I tried to give you trust
I tried to talk
I tried to love.
But no matter how much I tried
No matter how much I showed
It was never enough.
But reality was,
It was never going to work out
Because you never gave
The emotional security
The emotional security I needed to give myself permission
For my love to thrive.
To make me feel seen.
Because all I want in love
Is to feel seen.
To feel heard.
And therefore feel loved in return.
My trying wasn’t good enough.
But thats good enough reason
To finally let go
What is the point
If you don’t feel like you can reach out
What is the point of trying again
If you don’t see me as someone
Who can handle the storm
Then what is the point?
No sharing, no caring, no vulnerability
Neither one of us
Feel we can share with each other
So tell me what’s the point?
What’s the point of trying?
You shut me out
Then I shut you out as well
Looks like nothing changed
And we lied to ourselves
That we could both change for the better
Poetry Witch 