Acceptance

Breathe deep

Take that slow inhale

Fill your lungs

And gently hold

expanding your lung’s capacity.

Thinking about everything

Thinking on the things we both said

But especially on things you said.

I’m hyper-focused on your words and tone.

It takes awhile but finally

I see you for what you are.

I’m not willing to put up with it

I’m not willing to sacrifice

My sanity, my love, and my tears

I cried enough over you.

Stronger

Letting go of you one last time

I know this will be the hardest one

Testing myself around you

Testing my limits

Testing my will power

Pushing you out of my circle

But letting you peek inside

You get a glimpse

You want another taste

But this time

I really have learned my lesson

I have learned you’re no good

Not for me. Not for anyone

Fine before I met you.

Fine after you left.

But torn down when I want you

When I’m around you

I don’t feel like myself

And now you’re gone again

This is the way it’s supposed to be

And I am resilient

I am stronger

Stars

If I got a chance to rate you

This would be your Yelp review:

The service was inattentive

The menu was small yet confusing

The staff was short and you could feel it

The delivery wasn’t even there

Management could use some retraining

Overall the manager was very rude

Especially whenI brought up issues with the service

Told me maybe I shouldn’t order with modifications to my order

And stay at home and cook for myself

Overall I would rate 1/5 stars

Weightless

Weightless

Flying high looking down

Upon the houses

I imagine them with the roofs off

Weightless

I look down

I see what goes on underneath

Weightless

I see things for how they are

Dissecting what was real and fake

I make the realization I’m

Weightless

Unburdened by leaving you

The soft hot breeze in my hair

I’m warmed by the sun

Weightless

I was always my own home

I was always my own rock

I was always my own sun

The Ice Queen

It’s funny to think about it now. I’ve been called the ice queen by so many guys in my past. That I’m ice cold, have no feelings, I’m cruel, I’m calculating, you know, the usual complaints when men don’t get what they want.

But if I was emotional or showed feeling…oh lord! I’m too much, I’m dramatic, I’m emotional, I’m just on the rag, etcetera etcetera!

I found it hard to pretend to be someone I’m not in order to keep people hanging around. I physically and mentally don’t have the capacity to be this bubbly and happy go lucky type of person people gravitate towards. I’m not popular, I never will be, and I’ve been more than happy to accept that.

I also found it hard to mix emotions and logic. Honestly I don’t think it’s possible but if you found a way to combine the two in harmony hit a girl up! It’s either I’m in my emotions, feeling, being them. Or I’m blocked off and using my logic to navigate the seas.

Which is probably why I’ve been called the ice queen.

But now more than ever, I’m happy to be the ice queen. I am happy to be cold and alone. Because those who have called me the ice queen, they don’t know the real me. They never did. Maybe they got glimpses here and there but they never experienced the whole me. But do you know why that is? I know why and if you don’t know then that’s fine. You’ll maybe understand one day.

I am

I am as you left me

The first time before

My body heavy, my mind is light

My feet are cold

My whole body aches

Inside I feel the same

As you left me

That very first time before

The wound this time

Fully torn open

Further than that first time

Bleeding. My heart is torn

The tears that come

They are soft at first

They cleanse and cool me

Like a soft summer rain

Then the thunder comes rolling in

This feeling, this pain, the overall emptiness

I feel it come up out of me

It sounds like something inside is dying

Submerged, in pain, wanting to escape

And finally it does.

My body crumbles into the sea of tears

They no longer cleanse

They tear me apart from the inside.

What is left of me?

What is left of me

Is what you left behind all those years ago.

A tired, broken pile

An empty shell, hollow version of who I am

And as my body shakes

I remember the exact feelings

The exact moments

The exact flashes of memory

Of the first time you left me like this

And I cry even more

For letting myself fall for you again.

Flew too close to the sun

One last time

I examine my broken wings

And think “How am I going to heal this time?”

With me

You want all the sparkling assholes

But none of the work

That goes into getting an asshole

That clean

You want me. Pristine.

Like porcelain

You don’t want to hear my pain

The hurt that got me where I am now

The growth and the setbacks

You call it baggage

You call me too much

You call me insecure

All after you told me to have faith

To be vulnerable, trust you

I gave you pieces of me

A chip of my heart and soul

Yet you leave me out hanging

Looking in from the cold

Backstabbed. Hurt.

And that last dirty word

Abandoned.

But the truth?

You never wanted to work for it

You never wanted to work for me

You never wanted to share

You never wanted to grow.

What’s most important

Is that you didn’t want to do it with me.

Winner winner

Being trapped, corner backed

Deeper and deeper cuts

Each time we speak

No tenderness, no weaknesses

Just a shield wall

We both helped build to keep each other out

I’m trapped. You’re trapped.

We did it to ourselves

Fueled by our past.

Fueled by our doubts.

Fueled by our fears.

Fueled by our overthinking

Fueled by being over fueled

Each word

Each action

Each hope

Each doubt

Each secret

Each thing we withheld from another

But tell me babe, who won?

It was never about that

But still. Who won?

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