Tag: abandonment

“I gave them to you because I know we’d always be connected.”

My hands shook

Throwing the Agua in the cauldron

Herbs of banishing

Incense so sweet for my ancestors

Sound of the match, sounds like my heart

Ripping open and catching flame

The ritual of love

Up in smoke

As I slowly throw each card

Into the flames

The first card drawn

Strength

So I gather mine up

And throw it into the flames

The card crackles and fizzles

Pops and disintegrates in the heat

Each card I throw

Is a promise

And a prayer

For our bond to be broken

I am no longer always going to be

Connected

To the pain

To the trauma

Of Us

I am no longer connected

To you.

And as I draw the last card

I laugh.

I cry.

As I throw it in I say my final spell

As I throw in the star

That once felt like home

And forget the hope

I had for a future

With you.

I choose a future.

With me.

I choose me.

You think you told me a secret

But I was there when it happened

Your mom screaming and she got caught

Top bunk activities

I’m not bringing up something you shared in confidence to me

I’m bringing up something I remember seeing

With my own two eyes

Not to be cruel

But to point out how uncomfortable I feel

Because obviously you cannot empathize

With anyone but yourself

When I ask you to never bring something up again

Don’t get it twisted, it’s not me getting you back

It’s me trying to explain to a narcissist

In a way they might understand

If you wait around for someone who has nothing to give, you’ll end up right back where you started. With nothing. Nothing but regrets and numbered days and years of irretrievable time- time that could’ve been spent building a future with the right man instead of turned upside down being miserable with the wrong one.

Happiness is
Being warmed from the inside
From a light nobody but you can see
From that little knowing that
everything is going to be okay
From that little light grows a bigger light
And that bigger light turns to a spark
Into an out if control fire
Until that fire burns all the evils to the ground
And all that’s left, is ash
And the ash that’s left after the fire has died
Gets compressed, into the earth
The pressure over many years
Creates a beauty that lasts forever
Forming diamonds
Sparkling bright, shining true

Remembering that cold windy day still makes me shiver, the smell of wet dirt and grass tickling my nose while the clouds told their own foreboding tune with echos from far off into the distance towards were I had my eyes fixated at the woods. They played the song of everything to come within the next few weeks, the summer fading as quickly as it seemed to have come.

Change transformation

Can be beautiful no matter what

Every being is necessary

Hunger

Strength

Sweetness

I want to go to a place where the dirt smells different in the rain.

Where I don’t recognize the smell and feel of home

To feel the warmth of the sun upon my face

Wind blowing in my hair So I absolutely know that I am free

To feel foreign sand between my toes and relish in the feeling that I escaped

Dear George

I guess this will be the final straw

Drawn as messy as your doodles

All over your pads and mine

Filled with blood

You left me alone to deal with

Our mistake a second time

Was never on our side

Neither was your temperament

Or the way I need assurance

What you call neediness

Is me reaching out

Just asking for love

From my one person

What you call needing space

Is actually you being selfish

Because your reaction

Your lack of involvement

In any way possible

Dusting your hands

Of any involvement or feeling

Are there still beautiful things?

In the space that is supposed

To hold your soul?

The first time a miscarriage

This time a miscarriage abortion

Tell me again

How I never talk

About how I feel, to be real

When you don’t want to talk

To me at all

Well here they are

All the times I wanted to talk

But the wall you keep up

Makes it impossible

To feel safe enough

To open right up

And bare my heart and soul

To someone who wouldn’t even offer

To pay to get rid of

Your fetus.

Cant pay up with support

Won’t pay up physically

Wash your hands

Shake them out

And let them air dry out

Side is where you never go

Out of your comfort zone

All the distasteful jokes I made

To hide my hurt and pain

About having to get rid of something

I once wanted so badly with you before.

I now realize I’d been a fool

A fool still in love

With someone who

Could never love me the way I deserve