It’s a beautiful day
I stare out my window
And I think about you
And how I spent most of my life
Thinking of you
It’s a beautiful day
Sometimes I think
That I think too much
About you
A hopeful future that won’t come to pass
It’s a beautiful day
Oh why did I have to ruin this beautiful day?
To think of such things
That won’t matter
Because I know you don’t think of me
The way I think about you
I go outside and lay in the grass
On such a beautiful day
Coming back into my life
One last time
You messaged me
Not the other way around
You told me to trust you
Blindly trust
Blindly put faith
Blindly love
Yet gave me no reasons
To fulfill these requests
To fulfill your requirements.
Told me to gain you as a person
To gain your respect
That I had to blindly give it to you
Or I was broken.
But you came to me.
I never reached out to you.
You were the one
Who needed the burden of proof.
Yet kept telling me
That you didn’t know what you wanted
What you were looking for.
That you wanted to build as friends
Yet I was supposed to blindly trust
That I wouldn’t get hurt
That you would never hurt me
Even though you hurt me many times before.
I never had to give you anything.
Yet I tried to give you trust
I tried to talk
I tried to love.
But no matter how much I tried
No matter how much I showed
It was never enough.
But reality was,
It was never going to work out
Because you never gave
The emotional security
The emotional security I needed to give myself permission
For my love to thrive.
To make me feel seen.
Because all I want in love
Is to feel seen.
To feel heard.
And therefore feel loved in return.
My trying wasn’t good enough.
But thats good enough reason
To finally let go
What is the point
If you don’t feel like you can reach out
What is the point of trying again
If you don’t see me as someone
Who can handle the storm
Then what is the point?
No sharing, no caring, no vulnerability
Neither one of us
Feel we can share with each other
So tell me what’s the point?
What’s the point of trying?
You shut me out
Then I shut you out as well
Looks like nothing changed
And we lied to ourselves
That we could both change for the better
Letting go of you one last time
I know this will be the hardest one
Testing myself around you
Testing my limits
Testing my will power
Pushing you out of my circle
But letting you peek inside
You get a glimpse
You want another taste
But this time
I really have learned my lesson
I have learned you’re no good
Not for me. Not for anyone
Fine before I met you.
Fine after you left.
But torn down when I want you
When I’m around you
I don’t feel like myself
And now you’re gone again
This is the way it’s supposed to be
And I am resilient
I am stronger
If I got a chance to rate you
This would be your Yelp review:
The service was inattentive
The menu was small yet confusing
The staff was short and you could feel it
The delivery wasn’t even there
Management could use some retraining
Overall the manager was very rude
Especially whenI brought up issues with the service
Told me maybe I shouldn’t order with modifications to my order
And stay at home and cook for myself
Overall I would rate 1/5 stars
Weightless
Flying high looking down
Upon the houses
I imagine them with the roofs off
Weightless
I look down
I see what goes on underneath
Weightless
I see things for how they are
Dissecting what was real and fake
I make the realization I’m
Weightless
Unburdened by leaving you
The soft hot breeze in my hair
I’m warmed by the sun
Weightless
I was always my own home
I was always my own rock
I was always my own sun
It’s funny to think about it now. I’ve been called the ice queen by so many guys in my past. That I’m ice cold, have no feelings, I’m cruel, I’m calculating, you know, the usual complaints when men don’t get what they want.
But if I was emotional or showed feeling…oh lord! I’m too much, I’m dramatic, I’m emotional, I’m just on the rag, etcetera etcetera!
I found it hard to pretend to be someone I’m not in order to keep people hanging around. I physically and mentally don’t have the capacity to be this bubbly and happy go lucky type of person people gravitate towards. I’m not popular, I never will be, and I’ve been more than happy to accept that.
I also found it hard to mix emotions and logic. Honestly I don’t think it’s possible but if you found a way to combine the two in harmony hit a girl up! It’s either I’m in my emotions, feeling, being them. Or I’m blocked off and using my logic to navigate the seas.
Which is probably why I’ve been called the ice queen.
But now more than ever, I’m happy to be the ice queen. I am happy to be cold and alone. Because those who have called me the ice queen, they don’t know the real me. They never did. Maybe they got glimpses here and there but they never experienced the whole me. But do you know why that is? I know why and if you don’t know then that’s fine. You’ll maybe understand one day.
Some days
I don’t know how I feel
I don’t know what to feel
I don’t know how you feel
I’m afraid to ask what you need
I’m afraid to tell you what I need
I feel paralyzed by the uncertainty
Some days
I love you so much it hurts
I love you so much I hate you
It’s hard for me to admit the truth
You hurt me
I feel betrayed
I close back up again
Bodies intertwined
You’re warm and tender
Almost as if you care.
You did at one point
But we no longer belong to each other
Taking in this moment
I cry inside
I am as you left me
The first time before
My body heavy, my mind is light
My feet are cold
My whole body aches
Inside I feel the same
As you left me
That very first time before
The wound this time
Fully torn open
Further than that first time
Bleeding. My heart is torn
The tears that come
They are soft at first
They cleanse and cool me
Like a soft summer rain
Then the thunder comes rolling in
This feeling, this pain, the overall emptiness
I feel it come up out of me
It sounds like something inside is dying
Submerged, in pain, wanting to escape
And finally it does.
My body crumbles into the sea of tears
They no longer cleanse
They tear me apart from the inside.
What is left of me?
What is left of me
Is what you left behind all those years ago.
A tired, broken pile
An empty shell, hollow version of who I am
And as my body shakes
I remember the exact feelings
The exact moments
The exact flashes of memory
Of the first time you left me like this
And I cry even more
For letting myself fall for you again.
Flew too close to the sun
One last time
I examine my broken wings
And think “How am I going to heal this time?”
Poetry Witch 