We stopped talking
Yet again
I had a feeling
That this would happen again 
I didn’t expect things to change
We stay the same
The days pass us by
And we waste
Both of our time
I had a feeling
You don’t actually value me
As a person
An individual
With my own thoughts, feelings
I had a feeling
I’d be left in the cold
So when I felt the ice
Under my feet
I held my breath
And waited
For it to crack
I had a feeling
You’d be gone again
And very soon
It’s hard
To know that feeling was right
You say I’m difficult
I’m hard to love and be with
That I’m corrupt and psychotic
An emotional terrorist
Out to make you and your life
So utterly miserable
But all I ever wanted to hear
Were those three little words
When I opened up and let you in
To my private world
And tried being vulnerable
Tried to let you be there
Tried to help you understand
Where I am coming from
Try and be more self aware
So I can tell you exactly
Which scars cause which fears
I just wanted to hear those
Three little words
The words that will never brush your lips
The compassion you lack
I don’t and didn’t expect you t
To completely understand me
But all I wanted was to hear
Those three little words
I see you
“Am I too sensitive?”
I think to myself the words
That cut me deeper and deeper each time
They come from your mouth so easy
You call these words
Stating the truth
But just because something is true
Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt
That it is not supposed to hurt
You don’t have to say what is true
I live with it everyday
Living with the trauma it brings
Just because I don’t want to hear it out loud
Doesn’t mean I want to live a lie
Just because it hurts
Doesn’t mean you’re revealing anything to me
Hearing the truth out loud
Brings the pain to the forefront
And comes into hyper focus
Tears I suppress
Because if I cry over this
I’m bound to break down
Slowly but surely deteriorated
Ground down to the nub
Because you wanted to smother my face
In the ground
To see the truth
The truth that I already know is there
It’s a beautiful day
I stare out my window
And I think about you
And how I spent most of my life
Thinking of you
It’s a beautiful day
Sometimes I think
That I think too much
About you
A hopeful future that won’t come to pass
It’s a beautiful day
Oh why did I have to ruin this beautiful day?
To think of such things
That won’t matter
Because I know you don’t think of me
The way I think about you
I go outside and lay in the grass
On such a beautiful day
Coming back into my life
One last time
You messaged me
Not the other way around
You told me to trust you
Blindly trust
Blindly put faith
Blindly love
Yet gave me no reasons
To fulfill these requests
To fulfill your requirements.
Told me to gain you as a person
To gain your respect
That I had to blindly give it to you
Or I was broken.
But you came to me.
I never reached out to you.
You were the one
Who needed the burden of proof.
Yet kept telling me
That you didn’t know what you wanted
What you were looking for.
That you wanted to build as friends
Yet I was supposed to blindly trust
That I wouldn’t get hurt
That you would never hurt me
Even though you hurt me many times before.
I never had to give you anything.
Yet I tried to give you trust
I tried to talk
I tried to love.
But no matter how much I tried
No matter how much I showed
It was never enough.
But reality was,
It was never going to work out
Because you never gave
The emotional security
The emotional security I needed to give myself permission
For my love to thrive.
To make me feel seen.
Because all I want in love
Is to feel seen.
To feel heard.
And therefore feel loved in return.
My trying wasn’t good enough.
But thats good enough reason
To finally let go
What is the point
If you don’t feel like you can reach out
What is the point of trying again
If you don’t see me as someone
Who can handle the storm
Then what is the point?
No sharing, no caring, no vulnerability
Neither one of us
Feel we can share with each other
So tell me what’s the point?
What’s the point of trying?
You shut me out
Then I shut you out as well
Looks like nothing changed
And we lied to ourselves
That we could both change for the better
Letting go of you one last time
I know this will be the hardest one
Testing myself around you
Testing my limits
Testing my will power
Pushing you out of my circle
But letting you peek inside
You get a glimpse
You want another taste
But this time
I really have learned my lesson
I have learned you’re no good
Not for me. Not for anyone
Fine before I met you.
Fine after you left.
But torn down when I want you
When I’m around you
I don’t feel like myself
And now you’re gone again
This is the way it’s supposed to be
And I am resilient
I am stronger
If I got a chance to rate you
This would be your Yelp review:
The service was inattentive
The menu was small yet confusing
The staff was short and you could feel it
The delivery wasn’t even there
Management could use some retraining
Overall the manager was very rude
Especially whenI brought up issues with the service
Told me maybe I shouldn’t order with modifications to my order
And stay at home and cook for myself
Overall I would rate 1/5 stars
It’s funny to think about it now. I’ve been called the ice queen by so many guys in my past. That I’m ice cold, have no feelings, I’m cruel, I’m calculating, you know, the usual complaints when men don’t get what they want.
But if I was emotional or showed feeling…oh lord! I’m too much, I’m dramatic, I’m emotional, I’m just on the rag, etcetera etcetera!
I found it hard to pretend to be someone I’m not in order to keep people hanging around. I physically and mentally don’t have the capacity to be this bubbly and happy go lucky type of person people gravitate towards. I’m not popular, I never will be, and I’ve been more than happy to accept that.
I also found it hard to mix emotions and logic. Honestly I don’t think it’s possible but if you found a way to combine the two in harmony hit a girl up! It’s either I’m in my emotions, feeling, being them. Or I’m blocked off and using my logic to navigate the seas.
Which is probably why I’ve been called the ice queen.
But now more than ever, I’m happy to be the ice queen. I am happy to be cold and alone. Because those who have called me the ice queen, they don’t know the real me. They never did. Maybe they got glimpses here and there but they never experienced the whole me. But do you know why that is? I know why and if you don’t know then that’s fine. You’ll maybe understand one day.
Poetry Witch 