We stopped talking
Yet again
I had a feeling
That this would happen again 
I didn’t expect things to change
We stay the same
The days pass us by
And we waste
Both of our time
I had a feeling
You don’t actually value me
As a person
An individual
With my own thoughts, feelings
I had a feeling
I’d be left in the cold
So when I felt the ice
Under my feet
I held my breath
And waited
For it to crack
I had a feeling
You’d be gone again
And very soon
It’s hard
To know that feeling was right
You say I’m difficult
I’m hard to love and be with
That I’m corrupt and psychotic
An emotional terrorist
Out to make you and your life
So utterly miserable
But all I ever wanted to hear
Were those three little words
When I opened up and let you in
To my private world
And tried being vulnerable
Tried to let you be there
Tried to help you understand
Where I am coming from
Try and be more self aware
So I can tell you exactly
Which scars cause which fears
I just wanted to hear those
Three little words
The words that will never brush your lips
The compassion you lack
I don’t and didn’t expect you t
To completely understand me
But all I wanted was to hear
Those three little words
I see you
You tell me I’m too much
Too in your face
Much too clingy
That you need and value your independence
And I understand
That need for solo ventures
To be alone with your mind
Into a project
To throw yourself into work
Or pleasure
But honey, we are not the same
While I enjoy the same
I also enjoy closeness
I want to feel loved
To give someone the same
But what I enjoy even more
Is complete and utter solitude
To have nobody
To know nobody is there in the end
To know I only have me and me alone
I am happy to be alone
While you sink down below
And wallow about the lack of love
The lack of acceptance
The lack of intimacy
I rise above and I cherish
The fact that I will die
Just as I came into the world
Alone. Alone is my home
I do not fear it, I embrace it.
Oh honey. We are not the same.
I’m not the one who will ever say
I miss you as you do to me
Saying you miss my punk ass
I don’t miss anything or anyone
We really are not the same
You treat me the same way
So cold
Indifferent and distant
Like I dont and never will matter
My fears brushed to the side
As I cry alone
With my worries and I fall asleep
Vindictive and cruel
“What the fuck do you need?”
I have everything I need
To know
How you’d treat me
Both in sickness and in health
It’s funny to think about it now. I’ve been called the ice queen by so many guys in my past. That I’m ice cold, have no feelings, I’m cruel, I’m calculating, you know, the usual complaints when men don’t get what they want.
But if I was emotional or showed feeling…oh lord! I’m too much, I’m dramatic, I’m emotional, I’m just on the rag, etcetera etcetera!
I found it hard to pretend to be someone I’m not in order to keep people hanging around. I physically and mentally don’t have the capacity to be this bubbly and happy go lucky type of person people gravitate towards. I’m not popular, I never will be, and I’ve been more than happy to accept that.
I also found it hard to mix emotions and logic. Honestly I don’t think it’s possible but if you found a way to combine the two in harmony hit a girl up! It’s either I’m in my emotions, feeling, being them. Or I’m blocked off and using my logic to navigate the seas.
Which is probably why I’ve been called the ice queen.
But now more than ever, I’m happy to be the ice queen. I am happy to be cold and alone. Because those who have called me the ice queen, they don’t know the real me. They never did. Maybe they got glimpses here and there but they never experienced the whole me. But do you know why that is? I know why and if you don’t know then that’s fine. You’ll maybe understand one day.
Poetry Witch 