We stopped talking
Yet again
I had a feeling
That this would happen again 
I didn’t expect things to change
We stay the same
The days pass us by
And we waste
Both of our time
I had a feeling
You don’t actually value me
As a person
An individual
With my own thoughts, feelings
I had a feeling
I’d be left in the cold
So when I felt the ice
Under my feet
I held my breath
And waited
For it to crack
I had a feeling
You’d be gone again
And very soon
It’s hard
To know that feeling was right
You say I’m difficult
I’m hard to love and be with
That I’m corrupt and psychotic
An emotional terrorist
Out to make you and your life
So utterly miserable
But all I ever wanted to hear
Were those three little words
When I opened up and let you in
To my private world
And tried being vulnerable
Tried to let you be there
Tried to help you understand
Where I am coming from
Try and be more self aware
So I can tell you exactly
Which scars cause which fears
I just wanted to hear those
Three little words
The words that will never brush your lips
The compassion you lack
I don’t and didn’t expect you t
To completely understand me
But all I wanted was to hear
Those three little words
I see you
You tell me I’m too much
Too in your face
Much too clingy
That you need and value your independence
And I understand
That need for solo ventures
To be alone with your mind
Into a project
To throw yourself into work
Or pleasure
But honey, we are not the same
While I enjoy the same
I also enjoy closeness
I want to feel loved
To give someone the same
But what I enjoy even more
Is complete and utter solitude
To have nobody
To know nobody is there in the end
To know I only have me and me alone
I am happy to be alone
While you sink down below
And wallow about the lack of love
The lack of acceptance
The lack of intimacy
I rise above and I cherish
The fact that I will die
Just as I came into the world
Alone. Alone is my home
I do not fear it, I embrace it.
Oh honey. We are not the same.
I’m not the one who will ever say
I miss you as you do to me
Saying you miss my punk ass
I don’t miss anything or anyone
We really are not the same
You treat me the same way
So cold
Indifferent and distant
Like I dont and never will matter
My fears brushed to the side
As I cry alone
With my worries and I fall asleep
Vindictive and cruel
“What the fuck do you need?”
I have everything I need
To know
How you’d treat me
Both in sickness and in health
You ask for truths
You ask me so many questions
Some questions I have no answers for
Some are just difficult to put into words
Right in the moment
But I know if I can’t put words
Together right away
You’ll think anything I say is a lie
So I stay silent
And you think I’m hiding something
While also lying to you
Because I know I can never please you
You ask why I don’t just open up
Tell you everything you want to know
Honestly
I don’t want to open up
Yet again
To someone who doesn’t look at me
To someone who doesn’t touch me
To someone who doesn’t hear me
The way I know I deserve.
To open up and let you in
And open myself to pain and rejection
That I know will come
Because I see the way you look at me
The way your eyes aren’t totally there
In those very few moments
We are together.
To open up knowing you’re not fully invested
Would be a mistake on my part.
Being hurt and let down yet again
Would be my own fault
For trusting you
And being left out in the cold
Yet again.
That is the truth.
How can you tell
That I am real and true
That I love absolutely everything
And the whole possibility of you?
You feel it in my touch
You feel it in my kiss
See it deep in my eyes
The way I look at you
And these words
That I wrote.
But how can I tell
That you are real and true
And that you value me as a whole
Complete person and the possibilities?
I can’t.
You leave me cold and distant
As if I’m a piece of gum
On the bottom of your collectors sneaker
My words and world completely
And utterly dismissed.
Yes you kiss, you touch, I see you.
I watch you and I know something
That I’m replaceable
How can you tell?
Because I picked up
And left you behind
To find the sunny skies
And to be my own prize
Monsters can be
Large and intimidating
They can be small and poisonous
Monsters can be
Hairy things, scary things, any things
They can be your
Worst nightmare
Or you can befriend them
Monsters can be
The person you turn into
Because you feel like
Without that special some one
You’ll be unable to survive
So you go out and do crazy shit
And beg for something
You shouldn’t have to beg for
And be someone
You never wanted to be
You look at yourself
Yet you don’t recognize your own face
And you know deep down
This is all ridiculous
Would they do anything crazy for you?
No.
You’re their ride or die
You are only an option to them
You’d hate to see them degraded
Yet when you degrade yourself
They think it’s amusing
And that is the difference
I was a monster, I am the monster
I embrace my monster
And release you into the wild
To be free
Oh honey
You think this blog
Is a way for me to gain
Exposure and notoriety
For monetary gain
But oh my love
Look at my stats
And see it’s just you
Looking at me
Reading the words
That finally come to me
In my hours of grief and despair
As I cry and tears come
So fast down my face and chin
As I try and process
The world inside my head
Oh my dear
This is my diary
This is me screaming
But with less force
These are the silent whispers
I wish I could tell you
When we lay so close
But I fear not ruin the very few
Happy and free moments I have with you
Because time and life is too precious
Time with you was so precious
Was
Was
Was
So precious
I’ll get used to those words one day
But for now
I sit here
And I cry
And I laugh
At your ridiculous accusations
And feel more alone than I did
Before you entered my life again
Dark room we meet in secret
Or not so secret
Because your mom knows and hates me
You make pretty promises
I know you can’t keep
Deep inside I’m screaming
To just run, escape while you can
Before you get hurt
But I ignore those warnings
I want to believe you
I want to love you and be loved by you
But you cannot nourish my soul
The way it yearns to be nourished
I tell you painful truths
That nobody knows
And you react
In a cold way, the way I knew you would
But hoped you wouldn’t
I told myself
“He said he would be more tender with me”
Abuse that you don’t believe
Needing your proof, saying things don’t add up
And I die inside
Because this response
The only reason I’ve held out
Was this exact response.
That I wouldn’t be believed
And ignored
And then you wonder why
I won’t tell anyone about it
Not even my family
Because nobody is going to believe me
You proved me right
So I sit in fear and silence
And wrap myself back up
In numbness, in ice
And I retreat back
“Am I too sensitive?”
I think to myself the words
That cut me deeper and deeper each time
They come from your mouth so easy
You call these words
Stating the truth
But just because something is true
Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt
That it is not supposed to hurt
You don’t have to say what is true
I live with it everyday
Living with the trauma it brings
Just because I don’t want to hear it out loud
Doesn’t mean I want to live a lie
Just because it hurts
Doesn’t mean you’re revealing anything to me
Hearing the truth out loud
Brings the pain to the forefront
And comes into hyper focus
Tears I suppress
Because if I cry over this
I’m bound to break down
Slowly but surely deteriorated
Ground down to the nub
Because you wanted to smother my face
In the ground
To see the truth
The truth that I already know is there
Poetry Witch 